JadedJanissary made a list of what he wants in a lady friend. I thought it was pretty fantastic.
The single most important thing I want in a woman is someone who
inspires me, which is actually something I've never experienced with
any of my girlfriends. I actually talked to an ex who called a few
days ago, and while she talked, I realized that I just made her more
depressed, and that she did the same to me. There was some kind of
negative synergy there, where we spoke, and things got worse...
because we would drag each other down.
Now, I know that I deal
with depression and sadness. Right now, I feel like I've been in that
hole forever, at least, maybe longer. But, I am realistic enough to
note that it has actually been more like 2 or 3 years, which might
seem like a long time, but, there are ups and downs to every day no
matter what.
Back to the woman. I want to be inspired by
someone. I don't need her to give me a good idea, or think that
without this person in my life, I cannot accomplish things. But, I do
want to be able to be in a relationship and say that I am richer for
it, because I can look at what this person does for me, and know my
life is better with her in it than without, that she completes my
finished whole. That's what I want firstly.
I guess I could
list all the generic stuff after this, that I want someone
fantastically attractive (who doesn't, really?), or that I want someone
rich (eh, I guess that would be ok.), or who can dance, or who loves to
do the things I do. And yeah, some of that stuff is important. But,
I've realized that it's mostly negotiable. If someone really loves
you, she'll love what you do and be interested in it. That's
something I've realized too. There's so much fake love out there, but
real and honest relational love is hard to find - because people don't
even know what it is anymore. Well, screw that. I know what I want,
and to hell with anyone who has a problem with what I'm looking for.
The third thing I want, and I don't know what this means, is that I
want someone I can trust and rely upon. I want to do things that
matter, and I can't imagine doing anything great without someone who is
trustworthy and reliable. The sort of person who would believe me when
no one else does, or who I can trust to travel on her own a lot, and
not be suspicious of - that's what I would really want.
So, here I am, half theologian, half carpenter, a Christian, and
looking for those things. Now I just have to hope that
when
I find this girl (or she finds me, I'm none too picky on such details),
that she'll be okay with hobbity looking, theologically minded, country
bumpkins.
When it comes to a significant other, what qualities are important to you?
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Comments (27)
...as long as they're honest and i can trust them...sort of like a friendship...but more
That is kind of a complicated question really.
i need someone that inspires me too - he has to be better than me somehow and challenge me to reach his level. as for other qualities, just someone that i feel happy with and who makes me feel like i don't need anyone else but him.
"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you... the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
I'm looking for someone who thinks the sun shines out my ass. All kidding aside. There's a lot of crap that comes with getting involved with me. If they can accept that and love me anyway, maybe even MORE because of it, then they're alright in my book.
As strange as it sounds... I honestly have no unearthly clue about what I want in a future ex... Yes, I know that sounds terrible, but I am extremely busy right now as far as career and everything else goes.
I think its a good idea to know what you want in someone. I don't see anything wrong with it. I have a list of what I want. I use to be ten times more picky about what I wanted but now I'm not as picky. I still think that its a good idea to know what you want though.
I have an entire list of things that I want in my future husband. I would post it, but that might ruin the anonymous thing for me. :)
Of course we all have ideals about what we want in our future significant other. For me, I want someone who is appreciative, considerate, who enjoys a simple life, and have a wonderful smile. However, I can't help but think that I should take a look in the mirror first and examine my current status to determine whether it is even realistic or fair to have such expectations.
In short, I still believe that we should strive hard to nurture those qualities that we want to see in others. I think if everyone in the world all want someone who is better than him/her, and does not think of self-improvement at all, then well, no one will be seeing anyone, coz the person one has in mind obviously has no eyes for someone inferior, and so on and so forth. Expecting the world of others when not doing the same for self is downright hypocritical.
So that for me means that I should examine myself, whether I am lacking in the areas of appreciativeness and considerateness. As for a wonderful smile.....well....better start making plans for visits to dentists...
I want a best friend. Someone I can talk to about anything, and like he said, someone who inspires me. I want someone like the best friend i have now. When we get together it's impossible for us to be down for too long. The other always brings up whoever is down, and if both of us are down we find joy that we're at least sad together. We come up with crazy ideas and do the most fun things when we're together. I want to find a guy like that, someone who brings out the best in me. I want him to make me want to be a better person.
I believe that true love grows and is organic; that it does not wane and is not stagnant. I believe that love is not a thing traded like water passed between two jars, filling each other back and forth -- but instead is an ever-flowing spring. The most fulfilling relationship to me is one where my partner understands what this means and reciprocates.
I believe that a loving relationship is built on Trust, Faithfulness, and a Giving Nature to compromise with each other, out of Love and Respect for each other.
I used to think that I needed someone to understand me, but that's not true. I have wholly loved and been wholly loved without my partner understanding me. I used to think that I needed someone who made me want to be a better man -- but I realized that seeking to be a better man is internally driven; that I should want to be a better man anyway.
Acceptance for who we are, for all that is good and bad in us, is more important than these.
"I love you for all that you are, and all that you are not -- for all the great things about you and all the screwed up things about you too."
That's what I want somebody to tell me; and what I want to tell to them in return.
Aww, that's great... a hobbity looking country bumpkin. :)
I think I've found what I'm looking for, but here are the qualities I always said were musts- He must be Christian and have a relationship with God that is a real, active part of his life so we can follow God together. He must be respectful, nice, trustworthy, and have a compatible personality. Needs to be fairly secure in his identity, have a healthy confidence and a healthy body, and be generally stable. Needs to like animals, not be a neat freak, and not have any ongoing addictions. Also can't be a military guy. Must be easygoing with a compatible personality so I won't be afraid to be myself around him!My boyfriend, Matt, displays all this and more. He blew my list right out of the water with his excellence.I've got a friend for you!
I think that if I had to write the answer to that question here, it would be too long. My list will probably never end.. but I think that there isn't a guy just like that in this world. I have found my perfect man, and he too does not have all the qualifications. Perhaps you may think that I am picky, but if we could choose for the best, then why not? Noone is perfect and so everyone has things which some likes and others don't. When I said that I have found my perfect man, what I meant was the perfect man for ME. He may do things which I do not like and have bad habits sometimes, but I do not think that it is his fault at all. I am the one who chose to be with him so it must mean that he is the man for me. I love him.
I think most us go into a relationship wanting something or the other.Being realistic,its human nature to have expectations from your partner.We however forget that the other person may be having expectations from us too.
Initially I used to expect the world from my partner. I wanted him to do all the romantic things I had read about,such as flowers,chocolates,movies,candlelight dinners,etc. I was selfish enough to want him to leave everything and just be with me. I wasn't wrong in wanting those,but when I did not get them(as many times I wanted them),I would become sad,depressed and would start rethinking about the relationship.
I did not realise that I may not be giving or contributing enough. I was expecting too much from a person who is shy,softspoken and very invovlved with his work.
He too just wanted me to be there for him,to be a part of his life,to accept him the way he is without changing too much.
Everyone has priorities and there is a time for everything.All relationships are about give and take.We forgot the "give".
But with time both of us have started understanding each other.We respect each others priorities and professional commitments.And have started giving space to breathe.
Hope it all turns out for the best.
it's a nice trait. As Jack Nicholson said in that one movie, "You make me want to be a better man." Sometimes, you don't want to be TOO comfortable with where you are. Then, there are also ones who are trying to change you, which isn't so good either.
@beachblondie711@xanga - Is that from Juno?
@mirchi_with_an_attitude@xanga - Good answer. I think people focus too much on the getting and not enough on the giving or the realization that there are two people with expectations in the relationship. Too much giving can also be bad. It's about balance.
@infp2w3experiment@xanga - Good answer. I'm not sure I understand the ever-flowing spring part nor whether I agree with what I think it means. I think good, loving relationships can have ebbs and flows in the long-term, not the short-term though; that's a bad sign.
I agree wholeheartedly with the trust, love, and respect portion.
And better man portion, I agree very much with. Better men and women don't wait for someone to inspire them to be better (that's an excuse to be lazy). Better men and women try finding ways to be better today.
I have to say that if you're depressed or sad, having a good person in your life will help you, but it won't cure you. You have to be strong on your own.
As for my expectations in a relationship, I want someone who wants the same things that I want and in the way that I want them, someone whom I can trust to help me build and attain shared dreams. I don't expect all our dreams to overlap, but there should be a great deal of overlap regarding marriage and our respective roles.
Add to that, the fact that I want someone that I am mentally, physically, and emotionally attracted to, well, I'll be single forever. Maybe, I should just focus on someone with similar dreams, a nice personality, and average looking. There, there I have it. The perfect recipe!!
@ks_chenyah@xanga - Thank you :)
Here's a better explanation for the "spring" vs. "jars":
Love is not a fixed quantity traded back and forth, like water between two jars. It's not like, you're empty and I pour my love in, then I wait and you pour that love back into me before I do anything.
It's not a thing that goes in one direction, then switches back to the other. Instead, it's more like a cycle where both people give and receive at the same time without waiting for the other person's initiative. A better analogy would be like two faucets feeding into each others reservoirs, constantly filling and receiving at the same time in an endless loop.
@infp2w3experiment@xanga - It sounds like you're saying two people should give into a relationship without worrying whether they're giving too much and being taken advantage of. If that is the case, I think that is an ideal that is very hard to attain in reality. Everyone has their own personally defined limits before it triggers that feeling that they are being taken advantage of. There is that risk in every relationship, you know, where the other person thinks that what they are getting from you is more valuable than your feelings. It's a hard balance.
Regardless, I think both parties have a responsibility to monitor their own and the other person's feelings, meaning evaluating whether how they feel is fair and whether or not they are being fair to the other person. There is giving too much, there is being too careful and hurting the other person's feelings by appearing too careful. It's a hard balance, but I think there is a reason why some people are careful and I don't think it should be blamed on previous relationships. Some people just get a feeling early on that this doesn't seem like it's gonna work out in the long run but I don't have hard facts to break up so I'll stick it out and see, but won't invest too much. But that's a break up right there because the other person will feel that. Then there are people who are so smitten they give blindly and invest too much early on and either scare the person into shying away or running away quietly.
Overall, I think at the beginning it should be +1, +1, +2, +2, +3, +4 - a gradual back and forth and not always with the same party initiating the increase in investment in the relationship. So yeah, I agree with you in a long winded way. I hate feeling like the other person is waiting for me to show him I like him before he does anything else. He should just do it instead of mimicking everything I do.
@ks_chenyah@xanga - No, it certainly seems unlikely that a relationship would solve all of my depression issues.
@JadedJanissary@xanga - I hope you find what you need.
Me thinks thou art too young for me, but if you weren't I would definately call you.......You make sense, unlike most men I have found my age........MML.
I've always said that when I meet a guy who can be like my best friend, who's pretty much my soul mate, then I'll have found the one I want to partner up with for good.
I guess me and my best friend have had 10+ years to develop our relationship but the qualities we have are the ones I feel would make a great romantic relationship for me. Someone who's considerate, appreciative, who I can talk to about anything, who balances me out, who knows me well enough to challenge me or call me out and yet who will love me despite my faults/flaws, sees me for all my potential, who adores my quirks, someone who can totally let it all out with me, ambitious, full of integrity, someone who will always hold me dear and will work as hard as i will to make the relationship work, and to develop great communication.. the list there could go on and on.
And unlike my best friend, someone who's male and who I'm attracted to.