By
Miss Double
ShotMy old roommate Gina has different standards than I do - her ex-boyfriend, Larry, was a real charmer who smoked pot every day, named his cat Opie for (of course) opium and had been fired from his last two jobs for erratic and violent behavior. Winner!
Gina didn't mind, though, and insisted that he was sweet and caring; she didn't even seem to be fazed when she found out he was an ex-con. The biggest issue in their relationship, she insisted, was that they couldn't go on vacation to the Poconos together because his parole prohibited him from crossing state lines.
Gina's thought was that although Larry had made bad choices in the past, he learned from his mistakes and become a better person because of it.
Do people ever really change?
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Comments (96)
I don't think people can ever change in important ways. They might cover it up better, but they're still fundamentally the same person.
People can change, yes. Unquestionably.
What we need to ask ourselves though, is when that change comes, are we able to accept them as a changed person?
Is a person's past really ever in the past?
When a relationship crosses the line and is no longer a casual relationship of acquaintance, ideally we make a conscious decision to accept our new friend or lover as they are now, in a state of tabula rasa, their past exposed in full disclosure -- but also erased and forgiven. If not, the seeds of death are sown from the very beginning if we cannot forgive and forget the issues of our new friend or lover's past.
Tabula Rasa.
The need or an opportunity to start from the beginning.
In the world of philosophy, of ideals, this concept is valid. Yet we live in an imperfect world, a world of shadows. We live in a world of reality, where we must weigh the consequences of not taking into account a person's past when determining what they are likely to do in the future. Yet, it would be unfair to not accept a person as they are now, as a blank slate -- not as they were years ago.
Where do we draw that line? How do we make that decision?
Can a person truly forgive and forget? Or is it only possible to forgive somebody for their past -- but never forget about it? Even when we have not been personally wronged by them; like millstones around their necks, do these people continue to carry with them the weight of our judgement?
People often do not change. They mature. And that takes life experiences.
Okay, just wrote and erased a novel on the subject based on my multitude of experiences. I shortened it for the sake of everyone's sanity.
Yes, people can change. Do they? Well that's a choice only they can make. Not many do. Besides, it's easy to change actions. Changing yourself is the challenge. To change, you have to first believe that your current behavior is wrong. And really, who wants to believe that who they are is wrong?
It can only be done if that person wants to change for his/her own sake. Never ask someone to change for you. It's not enough. You will be disappointed.They have to believe it is what's best for them too, not just what's best for you.
Vacation was the problem!? Hah, what about everything else? I think 99.9% of the time, people will not change. And when I say people, I mean men. Cause I find that many women will bend over backwards for their man & men won't even change their bed sheets. Sure I guess some people change in the sense that they grow out of their immaturity. But the saying you can never change a man, couldn't be more true.Â
I believe you can change.
Yet I also understand how difficult it may be; more so often then not, your past life will tempt you into falling into old habits. it's like rebuilding a car engine; you replace one key essential to the engine, like the cylinders. but something else will fall apart, and will also need replacing.
You change a key characteristic, and usually your friends don't like it, so you change them also. your job could be based on old interests, so you'd have to find another one, and relationships could be hindered because of the personal character change also. long story short, once you change one thing, you have to sustain throughout the whole transition.
if you can't then, no. you won't change at all. too difficult. lol
People don't change, but sometimes they grow up. Temptation is always there, and sometimes (depending on the person) it can be hard to resist.
I once heard people say "People don't change, they just become more of who they are."
So, I guess you can say that people are able to "change"/grow into their own character. I think it's possible, depending on what it is that they're changing from and to.
In this case, I don't think your friend's boyfriend can change. It would be hard to believe for one thing, unless he went through a very traumatizing event or had a moment of epiphany. From what you have mentioned about him, it seems like this guy has touched base with all the worse case behaviour out there, with the exception of committing any murders (you never know). It's the same theory with cheaters. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I know there are exceptions, but once again, it's rare.
I believe that the core of a person never really changes though they can change the way their behaviors. But a person's behavior is always just an outward representation of their core beliefs, thought processes and attitudes.
Some people can change, but it takes time and commitment to want to change. Most importantly tho, they need to realize they need to change in order to make it happen.
It depends on what they are changing. Personality?--- Impossible. Habits, philosophies and attitude?--Absolutely. Yet it is up to the individual to desire to change those things and seek the tools to do so.
I think that people can change, but only through a serious personal effort. Anyone who thinks they can change a person who doesn't want to change is kidding themselves. So my take on the situation is that if Larry really was serious about turning his life around and Gina believes him, she's not being completely naive. However, she needs to be aware that the change can only be initiated by him, and that if he doesn't seem serious about becoming a better person that pushing him wont work so she should cut her losses in that case and move on.
@DaComeBackKid@xanga - I agree - habits and such can definitely change. And habits for sure can influence attitude, but I think, in a way you can even stretch that to say that personality is influenced. It might be considered maturing, but I wouldn't say it's impossible to change personality. Definitely not as likely, but not impossible.
People can change. Most people do not. It's hard to change. Sometimes it is impossible to change on one's own depending on what needs changing. It usually entails an addiction or mental illness, or usually both. We try to treat ourselves with things that don't work or make it worse.
If somebody is smoking pot everyday they probably suffer from depression. That's my experience. I have a coworker whom 'takes the pot' and admits he is a depressive. I told him he should get his depression treated. He said he does not like the side effects (he's probably thinking of the more invasive drugs for hardcore manic/depressives or other psychotropic drugs). I said don't you think there are side effects from smoking pot everyday??? No answer to that one. Delusional. We all suffer from varying degrees of delusion or blindness, some worse than others, some much worse.
When I went to parties at my computer nerds home in another city in another time and probably another galaxy (it feels that way), when we were in mixed company my friend would say "You want to go talk to Larry?" which meant would you like to go smoke some pot. Back then there was nothing else I wanted to do. Funny that the charmers name is Larry.
People can change but only with God's help.
People can totally change. In fact, I'm willing to bet a majority of people change throughout their lifetime. I am certainly not the same man I was 5-6 years ago. I'm betting that 80% of people view life differently than they did 20 years ago.
There are events in life that will change just about everyone. Death of a close friend or family. Birth of a child. Accomplishment of a goal. Incredible failure (such as getting fired from a job). People definitely change, it's just that some people change more/faster than others.
With that said, Gina shouldn't have stayed in the relationship expecting him to change. If his change didn't happen quickly, then he mostly likely wasn't going to change for her sake. The guy will only change for some reason other than her. These "he will change" relationships rarely suceed because staying with the man is like rewarding bad behavior. It's not until something bad happens that the man will realize what's wrong with him.
People can change, but people can't change other people, they can only change themselves. I used to be a mean kid with a terribly short fuse, and now I'm, well... a hippie I guess!
Some people change. Some don't. It's up to the person. Nobody changes unless they want to.
I'd worry more about the guy having a job, violent behavior and smoking pot than taking a vacation. Unless she wants to support him forever.
Gosh, for a second there, I thought you were talking about my ex
It took two rounds of being hurt and a lot of lies to realize that people often don't change. I'm not saying that it's impossible but people have to want to change before they can. Making a conscious choice to change means admitting that there is something wrong in the first place. It's human nature not to want to admit our wrongs.
I believe everyone is capable of change/develop one's character.. it's just a matter of if they want to or not. 'cause to change/develop one's character, it requires a lot of effort to make it happen. then again, the people who see the change & respond to it will have to keep an open mind or the change won't happen. 'cause if they continue to see the person as the past, the person will just get frustrated seeing his efforts aren't recognized & give up.
so I guess it depends on the person's stamina & the people one is surrounded by. I'm lucky I've got an awesome support group to encourage me along as I continue to be who I want to be. & if they're not, I talk some sense into them & I end up helping them becoming a better person as well -- if not, at least I will have challenged them. :)
ps. great entry topic.. like always. I love reading 'em! :)
it's not impossible to change we see it happen. however i feel that most of the time the answer to, did someone change is no no no hell no.
People definitely change. My ex boyfriend changed for the worse unfortunately. But sometimes people change for the better. And they do learn from their mistakes, and they change as they age because they're at different stages in their lives. But maybe I'm just an optimist...
i believe people can change. You can't change someone but i think a person/event can be a stimulus to make someone want to change.