by
Mr. Macchiato
Dang, only children got beat up in our last post about
dating and birth order!
Here are some direct quotes from the comments:
- "I don't think I will date another only child like myself, too selfish"
- "I've dated two only childs (if I can remember correctly) and those were pretty bad. They carried baggage easily it seemed."
- "My ex was an only child. That didn't work for me. Being brought up to look after my family/siblings and trying to make it work with someone whose world revolved around looking out for himself and ONLY his wants/needs?? Nope. No thanks"
- "I have the similar experience on dating the only child. It didn’t work for me. He is nice, but he wants the world revolves around him (including me)."
- "i think middle children shouldn't date only children because they tend to always want things their way when middle children often compromised a lot of their wants in the past."
I wanted there to be some nice things on the record about only children, so I pulled a
quote about onlies:
“Only children are super-reliable,” Dr. Leman says. “They’re like oldest children to the extreme.” Growing up with only adults made you into a little grown-up early on—serious and dependable. You’re the rare person who will stay up half the night helping a friend or partner prep for a licensing exam or a big work presentation. You’re the type to move your partner’s car so he or she doesn’t get a ticket. Punctual and true to your word, onlies like you never leave a loved one waiting for a call or email. And you’re articulate, too, so your date can expect great conversations that really make a person think.
That said, I don't have a lot of experience dating onlies. I'd love to hear more about what it's like to date an only... or be an only child dating. I'm especially curious - does anyone have anything nice to say about onlies?
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Comments (41)
Anyone who thinks the fact that being an only child is why a person becomes selfish is just ignorant. You've dated one, maybe two people, who happen to be only children, and now you are the expert or "only child" psychology? Please.
Selfishness does not necessarily stem from being an only child; nor do any of the generalities that stem from being a youngest, oldest, or middle child. I've met tons of people who don't fit the mold. Some of the most thoughtful people I know are only children.
Saying you won't date an only child because they are selfish is like saying you won't date Black people because they are too ghetto. Not only will you be wrong a good part of the time, but you might miss out on what could be the closest thing you have to happily ever after.
Did Dr. Leman date an only child?
I'm not saying he's wrong, or youaintjam@xanga, but I've dated more than my share of only share of only children.
I've been in foster homes where before I came along, their son or daughter was an only child and they took me in to see how their child would react.
No offense but most only children I've met believe money grows on trees. They think that the only word they need to use in a relationship is, "mine". When something goes wrong, they immediately want to make sure "mine" is present in the onversation.
Honestly the reason only children are stereotyped the way they are, is because growing up, at home, they never had anyone to share with, they had no one to bully them or them to bully and work out problems on their own. It depends on how the parents raise their children. That's all it comes down to.
Dating an only child sometimes can be frustrating or it can be a breeze no different than any other relationship. The difficulties just seem harder because they are different problems. It'd be easier to explain if this wasn't a comment.
Hmm-- I don't think I've ever dated an only child. But I do think the whole being selfish association with only child is just a common stereotype that was placed by a non only child. Probably someone with A LOT of siblings saw how much he or she had to share that one bag of chips, and that kid who had no siblings got the whole bag to him or herself.
I think everyone is selfish. First kids: they tend to get things first in life... well duh- they are the first kids and they get used to that (i'm a first kid-- however i got jacked in this dept. my sister and i ALWAYS got everything at the same time, except that first year i was alive and she wasn't born). Middle kids are selfish: well the become selfish because (stereotypically) they are the neglected ones who get VERY little attention.. they are known to have MCS- middle child syndrome. So, because they had so little attention, they want the world to revolve around them.. to compensate for the lack of attention in their childhood. LAST kids are selfish too: (I think this is a bit biased bc I have a younger sister and I think she's selfish, spoiled rotten and the list goes on)-- because they are the baby of the family and everything pretty much is just handed to them, they keep thinking that it's always going to be like that. Their older siblings had always had to share everything.. and feel that when it's their older siblings' they too are entitled to it-- whatever it is. And one other thing-- I think the stereotype of an only child matches closest to the youngest kid-- bc the youngest kid doesn't have to really share much either.
I would think the good thing about only childs is that they would know how to love, how to show love and shower their partners with love. They had two parents (granted their parents didn't get a divorce) and two hearts were poured into this one heart.
So don't hate on only childs-- i'm jealous of them :]
the one time i dated an onlie was in college. he was super cute! he seemed really stable and all that jazz.
we were friends for over a year and he finally made a move on me, and two days later he broke up with me. i didn't get it...
i found out from other sources that he was on AP and when his parents found that we were dating they told him they would stop paying for college if he didn't break up with me and stop his extra stuff. So maybe it was bad timing?
it's okay though, i sort of remembered that he had a bad temper so i guess it worked out that we never really got together. ^_^
I think it really depends more on the upbringing... Typically Onlies are a bit more selfish, they aren't used to sharing with a say a sibling. But then again I am sure not all only children are that selfish... Depends how much the parents beat them... rofl ok ok jk...
Well I'm not sure I've ever dated an only, I am an only, and I think that the quote you pulled describes me pretty well. Because I have no siblings, I am willing to go the extra mile for friends and loved ones - they are the like my substitute siblings. Me and my closest friends are all only children OR children whose siblings were much older than them, so they basically grew up as only children. Because we don't have siblings, we consider each other sisters and therefore we've lasted through thick and thin.
While I might expect a lot from a partner, I also give a lot, so I don't want to hear any of this "only children are so selfish" crap! Hehe.
Nope, I have nothing nice to say about onlies. That quote from the "Dr." is b.s. to me. I've never known a dependable, responsible, reliable only-child. I would never date one, and I mean never because I've seen such disasters my loved ones were in when they dated onlies. NO THANK YOU...
I've dated an only child before.
We were really into each other for a long time.
He always put me first in life and definitely didn't want the world to revolve around him. He was always sweet and said the right things.
Now he is one of my best friends.
I AM an only child and I think the quote you posted (the positive one) is actually quite accurate. Because I don't have siblings, my friends are the closest thing to that I have. So I am willing to go the extra mile for them. And a lot of my friends are only children, and they're willing to do the same for me. I think we're closer friends because we're more like sisters.
While I may expect a lot from my significant other, that's because I give a lot. I don't think the world revolves around me, and I am very willing to put other people's needs before my own. I actually get trampled on a lot because of this. People take advantage. It's a problem.
@youaintjam@xanga - haha okay, i feel the need to explain myself here (at the risk of speaking for others).
One of those quotes is from my comment. I meant everything I said. But I never said that all only children are selfish. The post asked for OUR personal experiences. And I believe that all of the comments were true to those respective personal testimonies. In my personal experience, that person happened to be selfish. It may or may not be because he was an only child. It may or may not be HOW he was raised as an only child. I simply shared my experience. Nowhere in my comment was there a universal "Only children suck." I'm good friends with quite a few of them.
Now for what THIS post is asking for... said "ex" and I dated for 2 and a half years. Obviously there were good times too! He had a lot of positive qualities. He was responsible. He was grown up. He was independent. But it doesn't change the fact that he was unbelieveably selfish, towards me, his friends, AND his family... and that is what ultimately tore apart our relationship. I stand by it :)
I'm with hopelessromantic on this one. I'm totally like that quote (the positive one!), I just never thought to say it that way. I'm quite surprised at everyone else, though, just because I'm an only child doesn't mean I'm a selfish person who wants it my way every minute of every day! Sure, some of the other people I know with no siblings are a bit like this, but we (the friends and I) tend to notice it more in huge families with a lot of kids. We know a girl who's got 9 siblings - most adopted - and she's the most narcissistic, self-centred person we know because she doesn't get any attention from her parents. They're constantly at the attention of the other children. She fits better into the not so nice statements about only children than I do...
I'm with hopeless and heart, the positive quote fits me to the letter.
Sometimes the youngest child could be selfish/spoiled.
I've never dated onlies either but I have some friends that are and they can be pretty spoiled then again they are girls.
There are a lot of people out there that are shitty. Life is about finding who is right for you and who is not. A couple experiences shouldn't affect you in such a way that you group people all into one category should it?
I would have to agree that it depends on how they were raised.
People who are not an only child may have been bully and may have bully others and had to work things out... but then again in life who hasn't been bully and had to work things out. I think it all depends on the person you meet and how they handle things. Everything is true to some extent but it's good to try and sort out things with someone before you put them in a group that they may or may not be in.
@xMarleyMommax@xanga - Here's my problem with only-child stereotyping. I think even Dr. Lehman is wrong in assuming only-children are dependable.
Just because you are an only child does not mean you will act a certain way. Same goes for middle, youngest, and oldest kids. Just because you've seen many only-children grow up acting spoiled, doesn't mean that in their adult life they will be the same. Family life is only half of a person's personality influence. The other factor comes from outside sources like school, work, and social life. Just because a person is selfish when with their family doesn't mean they will be selfish when with their friends. Familial relationships are usually quite different from your social relationships.
Yes, it is true that not having siblings growing up is a big influence on the way a person can turn out. But to say which way it will influence them is absurd. It can either go Dr. Lehman's way, or the other more selfish way.
Personally I feel I am a weird unique case. I am my mother's only child, but I also grew up with step siblings. So in a way I am the youngest. However, half the time my step siblings were not around (with their mother) so in a way I am also an only child. I can be selfish at times, but I can also be very generous and giving. I try my best to not be selfish, but I'm not always consistent.
I think everyone has a selfish and generous side, but it takes certain people to bring out one or the other.
I've found that Asian only children are REALLY spoiled and take things for granted. Even though they can be nice and friendly and seem pretty cool, there is always that little thing that seems to say, "I'm entitled"
i dunno, being an only child i feel like i just like my space more, that's about it.
well i didnt read all the comments, but i'm an only child.
i know i'm selfish when it comes to dating. but shouldn't there be a bit of selfishness in any relationship? wanting to have at least part of his world revolve around me?..
All the talk of onlies' selfishness and spoiled nature is annoying me. I am an only child, but my parents were sure to shy away from spoiling me. My mother was the oldest of two, my dad the yougest of three, and they were sure to keep me from taking advantage of being the only person that my parents had to take care of along with themselves (knowing that that was a good thing to grow up expecting). And I always wanted to help friends and youger family members with their problems. Selfish was something else I was trained not to be.
As far as dating goes, arguing is the only thing I seem to have difficulty with. I never had a sibling to constantly pester me or to fight with me on a daily basis. Perhaps I'm more subservant in some tense situations.
So, yeah, these molds based on birth order do not always apply. It all depends on how you're brought up.
I am an only child. I have to say any of my ex-boyfriend's have never complained about me being spoiled or anything that people might think only child personalties are like. I do have to agree with Dr. Leman that being the only child I was forced to grow up a little faster since I didn't have anyone else to depend on besides myself. I believe people shouldn't always perceive that an only child is selfish or spoiled. It depends on how the child is raised.
i'm an only child, and yeah, i think i'm pretty selfish sometimes. i'm working on that. but some of those good traits i see in myself, too. :D
I've had onlies as friends and as significant others, the latter was the tougher one to deal with. Like I said, my problem was the fact that (in my small experience) they seemed to not handle rejection well and easily carried baggage, started drama, were kind of attention starved (one would intentionally try to pick fights with other guys over...well...nothing. And really showed off and bragged constantly). I'm sure a lot more went into it than just them being only childs, but because of the experiences I have become turned off by the idea and prefer my current relationship with a fellow first born :D
I'm an only child, and for me, that positive quote you posted was completely accurate. But there is the dark, selfish side to us too, that I certainly can't deny. I'm currently dating a middle child, and it seems like a good fit. He has a middle child's need for attention, and I need a lot of attention too, since I'm used to being the only kid, so we both love spending a lot of time together. I know I can be self absorbed, but he's good at bringing me back to reality.
i totally disagree about the generalizing comment about only children. i'm not saying that there aren't *any* "onlies" that are like that (because i'm sure there are) but more often than not, i've found people who are an only-child to be extremely selfish and not dependable/reliable because their needs/desires are always more important than anyone elses.
that being said, i would never tote "all those who grow up as an only-child are selfish and unreliable." i'm just saying that generalizing and saying that all of them *are* dependable is grossly inaccurate.
besides... if you've got good parents, as an only-child you can still turn out to be an unselfish person. and having siblings doesn't exclude you from potentially being a selifh person.
My wife is an only...and I'm the youngest of two.
She's die hard reliable and wonderful...