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Miss Double ShotMy mom has had the same woman cut her hair for the past fifteen years. She'd drag me and my siblings along to hair appointments, too, where Joann would massacre our lovely locks.
"Can I get mine cut like this?" my sister asked Joann once, holding up a book featuring some dead-eyed model with overstyled hair.
"Oh, honey, you don't want that," Joann replied bluntly. "You'd look horrible."
I had a formula for telling Joann how short I wanted my hair, too - take the original amount and subtract two inches - because she never seemed to listen to what I asked for.
After one horrible haircut too many, I decided that I'd go to Great Clips instead. Mom wasn't happy. "Why can't you just go to Joann?"
When I asked my mom why she hadn't changed Joann, her reason was because it's where she'd always gone - why rock the boat?
The whole situation made me think of my roommate, who stuck around in an unhealthy relationship because she said she liked how she felt with her (now ex-) boyfriend. "I felt needed," she said, "and I needed to know that someone out there depended on me." She told me that she'd even dated other guys for almost six months but always went back to her boyfriend because she knew he was there and dependable (albeit in a convoluted way).
She could have left the relationship behind a long time ago, but because there was a pattern and a feeling that she got when she was with him, she decided to let their relationship stagnate for almost a year until she found someone better.
Have you ever stayed in an iffy relationship because you were comfortable in it at the time?
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Comments (20)
I think there are a lot of people who are complacent to stay in iffy relationships. They're willing to put up with crap because they think it will get better or they think that something is going to change within the dynamics of the relationships. On rare occasions, I suppose things can get better but most of the time it seems that things will continue to slide downhill. I was in a relationship at one point where I had been with the guy for a really long time and wasn't entirely happy but I figured that we were just going through a very rough patch and things would get better. It took him leaving me for another girl to realize that I should have gotten out of the relationship when things first started to descend.
i saw this too often in college. people use the relationship as a crutch. but they stay together to "pass the time" like an activities partner. they do the dinner and movie thing and hang out with each other although neither of them are really happy.
sometimes you are better off alone and independent.
See, I'm in what I suppose would be termed an 'iffy' relationship right now. But how do you decide whether it's the start of the end, or whether it is just a rough patch?
I'd say that the excitement has gone - but have we just (finally) drifted out of the honeymoon period? Are we comfy or complacent?
Basically, how do you draw the line?
I wasted a year of my life staying in a relationship that was deteriorating. The worst part is that I didn't even realize how unhappy I was until I met someone new who showed me just how amazing life could be.
I think it's a fuzzy line and you have to go with your gut. Only YOU know if it's iffy or just needs some extra TLC. I don't think there's anything wrong with wading through rough spots with someone who you care about and know is worth your while. But don't stay with the wrong person because things might be worse elsewhere... stay with the right person because you know it will be better if you do.
In my opinion, it would be nice if the guy paid. BUT, he didn't have
to. I do feel that your friend overreacted. They're not even officially
together, so why did she expect him to pay? I think I would have felt a
little frustrated, but there was no need to storm out on him.
@Jet_Cabusao@xanga - I think it depends on how long you've been together. All relationships tend to stabilize into a happy normalcy where you're no longer trying to impress each other. You're "together" instead of "dating." The situation completely changes. If you really are bored and unhappy, that's one thing, but if you are both content and happy together, then I think that's normal.
I've never been in a relationship but as I see it sticking around in an iffy relationship only hurts both parties. When I think about such a situation I see no possible good that could come out of it.
I've done that before because it seemed like everytime I was ready to break it off someone talked me out of it. The same people who talked me out of it later bashed me when I finally did, saying that I lead him on. Of course when he got married, all these people told me they always thought that I could do better and that I was better off.
I have the worst trouble breaking up with people, even in iffy relationships. I always hope that they'll change or justify it by telling myself that relationships are a lot of work. I am trying to be better about that, but it hasn't really gotten better.
Huh. I've never had a strictly iffy relationship that I know of. Now I feel pretty lucky... they've always been either, "No way" or "Great!"
(Once they hit the "No Way" ramp, it's all downhill from there, and it's usually decided pretty early.)
I did date one guy for a while just to pass the time, but it wasn't iffy- we both planned on breaking up sooner or later. That was bogus. We both knew it was a "No" even though we spent fun times together. Silly.
My question to decide (archaic, I know, but it's worked for me) is "Would I seriously consider marrying this person?"
@lissalinn@xanga - I hate how people's opinions suddenly change... like if someone breaks up with you suddenly people are telling you how they never thought you seemed right together, and that something seemed off about him or that they never thought he was good enough, even if they used to sing his praises...
I'm coming to the decision that if it's iffy, leave it. Either someone else, hopefully better, will come along or you'll find your way back to each other. Being iffy is just emotionally and even physically draining on both. Being free to see how things work is a lot simpler.
I wouldn't say I was comfortable with so much as bored/lonely...and stupid. I got back together with my first boyfriend 2 times before we finally called it quits. All it took was him making the suggestion of me possibly marrying him someday (HA! That was a wake up call) I admit..we did stay make out buddies for awhile after, but it didn't take long for that to stop either. If given the choice, I wouldn't have dated him at all.
If there are any doubts in a relationship, it's best to get them out in the open and talk your concerns over with your partner. If they don't like it, wish to help, listen, etc and it seems nothing will change, then it's time to leave.
I'm like your mom and tend to stay with the same hair stylist for a while. I try not to change unless I have to. My problem is that I find someone who knows how I like my hair and someone who I can talk to. So I usually don't change hair stylists.
Never. I always leave before it gets too complicated and regrettable.
~~Mary~~
Yeah, I did. I did love him, but not in the way you love someone passionately, he was my best friend who was in love with me. I felt bad sometimes, I felt that we both should have the passionate love we've always dreamed of, and I just wasn't feeling it.
Yeah, i've definitely stayed in some relationships past their expiration date because of the comfort. In my past relationships, when certain things came about, I'd always hit a moment where I know I could never be with them forever, but regardless of that knowledge, things would go on for months and months after...
Though I'm happier than I've ever been now, and I've also found that after leaving each relationship, I've found someone increasingly better each time! So I think it's a matter of willingness and confidence to move on from comfort relationships, but man, they can be really hard to let go of.
I'm there right now. Things certainly could be better, but I feel comfortable, that dreaded dating word. It's hard to rock the boat when ending a relationship.
~ Peace and Love
yes, but I wouldn't do it now. I would talk to him beore I dumpedhim
Maybe not a relationship per se, but I maintained feelings for him for a good 2 years more or less for some stupid reason I can't remember. I stuck with him through thick and thin literally! I stuck with him through his bouts of insecurity where every other month he was questioning the validity of our friendship; I stuck with him even knowing he was gay, even knowing deep down he and I would never be together because I don't have male organs and can't hope to compete with that; I stuck with him even when he didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I am not saying he was physically abusive or intentionally abusive in any way. Not at all.
He liked to joke around with me in ways that I didn't always find so funny and more often than not found insulting. I, of course, told him this. You're probably asking why I'm still friends with this so called "jerk." I did stop talking to him for like four months because he took it one step too far with his jokes and then I took it one step too far with overreacting and then proceeded not to talk to each for four months out of sheer stubborness/regret. In that time span, I think he grew up a little and I calmed down enough. We started speaking and acknowledged and agreed that we were both equally at fault more or less for the events that had transpired and could have acted better than we did. I want to make my case that while neither of us is perfect and everything else he is not the worst person I ever met, and I can consider someone to be the worst person I ever had the displeasure of meeting and it's not him.