There's a famous chapter on "How to Be a Good Wife" from a 1950s home economics textbook (Snopes says it
may be real, but they're not sure).
Here are a few of the more ridiculous excerpts about how to prepare for your husband coming home from work:
- Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal — on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
- Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
- Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
Ridiculous, right?
But while I find the specifics of those tips preposterous, I think the general thought behind it is dead on:
every now and then, make your S.O. your complete and total focus.
Here are some of the tips from "How to be a Good Wife" I try to hold myself to as a husband (I reversed the gender to make a point):
- Some Don'ts: Don't greet her with problems or complaints...
- Listen to her: You may have a dozen things to tell her, but the moment of her arrival is not the time. Let her talk first.
- Make the evening hers: Never complain if she does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand her world of strain and pressure, her need to be home and relax.
- The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your wife can relax.
If I could be blunt here... I think that modern egos are out of control. A lot of people seem to have forgotten how to take the focus off of themselves, and put it on their partner.
Everyone is so me, me, me.
This is what drove me crazy about Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City. She is like so many unhappy girls I know: completely and utterly focused on her own emotional needs. Don't get me wrong: I know that women have traditionally been encouraged to put aside ALL of their needs in order to serve a man. I'm not advocating that at all. But I think a lot of people these days (both male and female) are so selfish. Is it so terrible to try and make someone else happy?
Actually reading this list has inspired me. I am going to try and do better at even the first few things on the list:
- Have dinner ready: I don't cook, so on the way home I always try and pick something up for dinner for both of us on the way home. But Mrs. Macchiato works from home, and I know that she often doesn't have time to pick up lunch - so sometimes she doesn't eat until dinner! So I will try and prepare a lunch for her more often, and leave it as a surprise in the fridge.
- Prepare yourself: When Mrs. Macchiato gets home from running errands on the weekend, sometimes I haven't even showered yet. I also don't shave my beard on weekends... because I don't like to. I have to get better there. No ribbon in my hair though... gotta draw the line somewhere.
- Clear away the clutter: I think dusting is a waste of time, and have never done it. But if I "ran a dust cloth over the tables", I think Mrs. Macchiato would cry tears of joy.
So actually, maybe this isn't a bad list of ways you can make your partner happier.
Do I think that women (or men) should HAVE to do anything on this list? Absolutely not. But I am convinced that focusing on my wife's happiness is the surest path to finding my own.
Sometimes I think that feminism has overshot the mark. It's one thing to completely sublimate your needs for a man. But it's another thing to keep your partner's needs in mind, and prioritize their happiness.
Do you ever wonder if feminism has overshot the mark? Do you think you will make a good wife (or husband)?
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Comments (228)
i agre
I am not sure I'll make a good wife, but I will try.
Femenism really has overshot the mark. I get called a femenist and I hate it because of all the bad connotations that come with that. True femenism (what the suffragettes etc strove to achieve) is about women and men being EQUAL and neither sex having automatic superiority based on their gender. As for opening doors and things I think that instead of out dated old fashioned notions I think things like that should just be common courtesy now. I often hold doors open for other people and I like it when others (male or female) hold doors for me.
As for that list of things to do, I think it works both ways. Yes my SO expects me to make an effort when I'm seeing him, I tidy up before he comes over and I always check whether or not he's hungry. But the same goes for him. I expect him to make an effort too: with what he's wearing; or remembering to shave etc... If I'm knackered from work then he'll often make me a cup of tea or something or try to cheer me up.
But tbh each partner should want to do those things without thinking about it. I make an effort with my appearance because it makes him happy. And him being happy makes me happy so... Isn't that what it's all about?
awww sweet
I am going to be an awesome wife... I'm all for looking clean when your hubby walks in the door - tell me it's not a whole lot better than coming home to a dirty, covered in baby spit, woman.
I also think that if you choose to be a housewife then that is your job, treat it with the honour it deserves - but if you're a career woman who is just as tired and who has also has to deal with the mass drones - you need a maid because it's true that there's nothing better than coming home to the smell of food and/ or baked goods.
I'm a bit feminist at heart, because I believe that women nowadays can do what men can do and vice versa [career wise]. Thus, I would like to have my own career and do my part in supporting a family if I do have one.
One thing that I do agree on with some of the comments is that men are lacking chivalry these days....=( Where are the gentlemen?
As far as being selfish, yea, I agree, individuals these days are mostly intact with things concerning themselves rather than others. I don't watch Sex and the City and I don't know what the show is about. =( I'm not planning to watch neither, because I feel the show is pretty much overrated in most parts.
"But I think a lot of people these days (both male and female) are so
selfish. Is it so terrible to try and make someone else happy?"
lol, General speaking, when you really like someone, don't you already care about his/her happiness over yours? I guess it's not the same when he/she becomes your significant other. You know her/him well to the point that you forgot about his/her needs too. I agree, sometimes we need to backtrack a little.
I honestly don't know if I will make a good wife...,it depends on one's expectancy of a good wife. If my husband expects a lot from me and I don't meet his expectations, I guess I will make a bad wife. If I try my best to become a good wife, and work things out with him, then I have done my part. I suppose, we all have an ideal image of a good wife or husband. Does a good wife necessarily means meeting the role of a housewife in which the society deliberately imposed on married woman? Does a good husband necessarily means coming home with a good income and fixing things around the house?
I agree with you, not at all. Marriage isn't about doing things that will please each other, it's about sharing the happiness and doing things together and living life.
Great post.
Nice post :) I'll show this to mom. Wee.
you have an excellent post.
as for me, I stick with dr laura. she has a great book called "the proper care and feeding of husbands'.I suggest it to anyone getting married or already married.You are totally right. I think a lot of people are very self involved these days. It's good to be able to step outside of yourself and focus a bit on your partner. I think it makes for a stronger relationship and bond with your SO.
I just wrote about this exact subject a couple weeks ago over at Revelife: http://weblog.revelife.com/pinksunfiredragon/661481476/item.html
I pretty much said the same thing you did, that it's important that we do spend more time trying to please our spouses. "Feminism" (not the *real* feminism, but the man-hating, lesbian-promoting, rise-to-the-top-to-show-men-up "feminism") has really done a number on modern marriages, as well as just plain selfishness. For some reason, people don't want to grow up and deal with life anymore, they just want to cater to their own whims and do whatever they want.
We'd all be better off if we treated our spouses with respect.
I liked the thoughts behind this, but I must tell you that "feminism" isn't what it used to be. A lot of people make the mistake of assuming that feminism is a penis-breaking, man-hating, women-do-everything-on-their-own-or-else kinda deal... which it was maybe back in the 60's. Since, however, feminism has evolved, and post-feminism, which I subscribe to, is more about equality than opposing the sexes to each other. It is a critique of that oldschool feminist stream of thought, and advocates that women are people, quite simply, just like men are people. It's a more humanistic approach, which I like. So yeah, just thought I'd bring that up, as I tend to dislike blanket statements about feminism, because it's such a taboo sort of issue. (I've noticed it a bit around popular blogs, lately actually, hah)
As for your post itself, I agree wholeheartedly. It is difficult, in this day and age, to think about others... and we are indeed a selfish bunch. It was refreshing to hear this, and I will try to apply it more in my own life. ^_^
Wonderfully written, and nice interpretation of those old-school frames of thinking.
I know I make a good husband, the trick is finding a good wife this time.
And I'm pretty certain I've done that.
wanna know the most fucked up thing? right now--in the year 2008--there are church congregations that have the exact same seminar on how to be subservient and obedient to their husbands, and let their husbands leaders in society while the "good wife" stays at home and watches over the kids and cleans the stove.
The seminar is called "How To Be a Good Wife."
I think what's appalling about articles like that is the intent and assumptions behind them. Based on the tone, it seems (to me, at least) that one must do these things in order to keep their partner's interest.. even their love. People should do these things because they genuinely want to make their partner happy, not as part of a negative reinforcement cycle (performing an action in order to prevent unpleasant consequences). A healthy, mutually satisfying relationship will probably have a balance of give and take... I completely agree that people need to stop focusing so much on their own needs. I love SATC but Carrie really annoyed me sometimes... though Big really pissed me off, too. In the end, I wanted them to just be together and not make any other people miserable, lol!
Nice post. Very thought-provoking! :)
i think both should make the efforts to keep each other happy
OH--and as a feminist, I do believe that completely ignoring a husband/bf's request just because one wants to be all gung-ho about v-pride is silly. in a relationship, two people should work together to make it work and reciprocate each other's needs to keep each other happy. why else be together? if two people keep making each other miserable, the purpose of staying together has been defeated.
Both a woman and a man are people. A woman is a person just like a man is a person. the only reason why a feminist might be angry with society and all men is because most men are ignorant when it comes to regarding women as people. women, and especially feminists, just want to be considered as a person and not as a woman or a feminist or any other characterizing labels.
My Home Ec teacher showed us this, sad thing is that I love my boyfriend so much that'd I probably do all that for him XD
excellent post! i agree that people are too self-absorbed these days.
This is what drove me crazy about Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City. She is like so many unhappy girls I know: completely and utterly focused on her own emotional needs.
i couldn't agree with you more on this one! if they would only stop thinking about themselves, maybe they would be happy!
I think I've seen this before. LOL.
You think dusting is pointless (which it is) and your wife still loves you. A lot of people in relationships have made sacrifices and understand that their S.O. won't change. Which I think is a particularly unselfish act, loving one despite their flaws. Not suggesting that you not dusting is a flaw, that's just a general statement.
Anyway, I like what you've said. It's fairly easy to help someone that you care about, especially if they are having a bad day. Just tell them their hair looks nice or something.
One last thing though, My boyfriend will always, I mean always, ask me what I want to do, or what movie to watch, where to go to dinner etc.
I usually say that I don't care and he can choose
but one time I picked a movie and about halfway through he made up a very important reason why we should watch a different movie instead. Don't know if that is relevant or not but, I wanted to say, "why even ask if you're just going to do what you want?" I don't know, I wasn't really that mad. but still.
ranting, anyways, nice post
@Naoko_Ai - I got sidetracked while commenting 'datingish' but, I think the women portrayed in sex and the city are dumb whores. I think men and women should be equal. However, I don't obsess about shoes and am usually confident in my male endeavors and when something goes wrong I don't cry about it. Sex and the city sucks.
hehe i'm lucky i am a good wife and my boyfriend is a good husband as well. i care more about things like little gifts/surprises, special dinners, etc than anything else in the world.
Amen, Brother! You are so right! This is an inspiration to me to get off my butt and do something to make my hubby's day better. He works so hard for me!
Incidentally, I think that's what people forget when they get so upset at these kind of writings: that the husband mentioned is presumably out working his tail off to provide that cozy home life. Feminism's original goal was to give women more fulfilling choices for their lives. Not everyone is happy staying at home. But if you want to stay at home while someone else works to support you, I don't think it is at all demeaning to have dinner ready when he gets there.
Though some people are too focused on the "me, me, me," utter devotion often incurs misery as well. Occasionally it takes a little bit of focusing on the "me" until you know what you want, and then can reciprocate those feelings with the S.O. Otherwise you end up trying to do those things to make him happy and end up with feelings of resentment for not getting any return on your investment of time.
Excellent post.