A reader sent us this dilemma; what do you think she should do?
My boyfriend and I started dating 2 months ago. His last girlfriend
lived far away and they didn't see each other too often. Sexually, they
got as far as we have - and they had 10 months to get there. Our
relationship, on the other hand.... got there in about one month. We
haven't done the deed, and neither did they, but still, we went pretty
fast.
Strangely enough, I'm the one that took it there. I'm a very sexual
person - I hadn't really figured that out until I became sexually active
with my boyfriend - and he's not. Of course, he likes it, but it's not
something that occupies his mind or his agenda. Recently I started
feeling like I went too fast for my own good, and after we talked about
it, we agreed to slow things down. But we haven't slowed down, we've
actually come to a screeching halt, and I'm beginning to realize that
maybe I just can't handle an abstinent relationship.
What I'm wondering is this:
1. If it doesn't matter to him either way, am I wasting my time having any kind of sex?
2. Can I do anything about our sexual incompatibility without being condescending?
3. Is it best to just control myself and not push the subject?
Obviously sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, and
I both know and believe that, but I'm confused about what I should do.
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Comments (10)
One of the most important things about sex is talking about it and understanding what your partner feels about it all. You should be upfront about your feelings. :)
I don't think you're wasting his time. He enjoys it, no?
Honestly, that would probably make me feel bad to know that my boyfriend didn't want to be sexual. It'd be hard to take that as a personality trait and not a personal offense.
I don't know why you'd be considered condescending for wanting to discuss your feelings on the matter.
Amen to that. Sex was never intended to be taboo. It is made very unwholesome when it is. The more open in discussion you both are the better for both. Maybe you are expecting different things. Maybe there is some middle ground you can find. Maybe not. But nothing gets done by not doing it. I really don't think anyone should have sex before coming to know each other. You can't really come to know each other unless you can share frankly all aspects of your sexual expectations from each other. It can be scary, because every aspect of sharing ourselves is an opportunity to be rejected. Better in conversation, than the throws of passion or its aftermath.
Okay soooooo heres what I got from it...
u = liking sex
him = liking sex.
so whats the problem?
every relationship moves at a different pace. Just because it only took a month to get where you and your boifriend are sexually doesn't mean you're moving too fast. If you seem to be comfortable with where you are and he's comfortable where you are, then there's no problem. Don't second guess yourself because of one of his past relationships.
i think certain guys dont show that sex matters that much but guys still are guys. dont let that put you off. if he is a great guy and you like/love him, why make it an issue...it is possible that you both will experience so much more than just the physical side of the relationship...
i dunno much but that's what i think anyway...all the best!
I feel you, I do. and I have an entirely different problem yet similar. Me and my boyfriend did go to fast but I'm also the girlfriend who lives too far away. He's turned cold to me at times too. It's hurtful and I feel ya, but sometimes it's not necessarily you.
You are definitely not wasting your time having any kind of sex. He's probably just wanting to go your pace because he's respecting you. Sex is more than just a physical act by the way, and you have to treat it as such. Explain to him that you enjoy it for more than those O moments. It's hard to seem condescending when you're being honest with your feelings.
personally i feel sex and money are the two biggest things in a relationship. talk about it, no one is a mind reader and hopefully the two of you will be happier after it's out in the open. now go and have lots of sex!!!
I think he'll come to his senses. Just keep doing him.
I agree with breezebaby - you can't compare relationships.
I'm not sure if you can ever really take a step back in a relationship - not when you know what's waiting for you.
At the end of the day - communication is key. you'll drive yourself mad trying to figure out what he really thinks/ feels. Just ask and then decide your path forward.
If you can't talk about sex, something is already wrong...
Better to find out that you're sexually incompatible now rather than down the line when you're married...
Why settle?
In a situation like this, you just have to be open. I am a true believer in the fact that if you are a sexual person, you need to have someone who is compatible in that area otherwise you are going to not feel fulfilled. Communication works!