By
Mr. MacchiatoBack in college, I ran into the same problem a few times: I would meet up with a female friend for a casual lunch or coffee, and find myself on a surprise date. Like with my friend Aliana - she had secretly had feelings for me, but had hidden them all along... until one day when she decided to do the Big Reveal: "
Surprise! I like you!".
This would be great if I were interested in these ladies... but I never really was. So I sat down with each member of my
Brain Trust (my three closest male friends) and asked them each how I should handle this.
My friend Joel had the most shocking perspective. He wasn't surprised at all that my friend had a crush on me.
"Don't you just assume that all girls like you?" he asked.
I was flabbergasted at his arrogance. Wow... the presumption. To assume that every single girl you met had a crush on you?! He shrugged as he explained.
"Look at how things turned out with Aliana. She had a crush on you, and you completely missed it. She had to ask you to lunch and show up all dressed up before you even have an inkling how she felt. She sent you hints along the way, but you missed every one. And now she's hurt and maybe even thinks you led her on a bit."
I had to admit, I had never thought about it from the other perspective. Maybe assuming that all girls secretly liked me was actually considerate and thoughtful?
In retrospect, I had kind of just ignored girls for most of my life (I was a late bloomer). I had taken myself off of the market, waiting for girls to express interest. That happened now and then, but I usually wasn't interested back. To be honest, I didn't really care if girls like Aliana had a crush on me (is that mean? I just mean that I am picky). But Joel was really successful with dating, so I decided to give his attitude a shot.
Then something amazing happened: once I started believing that the women in my life were interested in me, it kinda magically started to come true. A lot more girls seemed to be interested. I don't think it was just me noticing their interest: just by believing in myself, more people were attracted to me.
After that day, my dating life changed forever. I guess I just believed in myself more. In the end, what Joel taught me was the importance of confidence.
Do you consider yourself to be a confident person?
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Comments (11)
It is very presumptuous to assume, because I hate to break it to you, but most girls probably aren't interested in you. :) It probably only applies the other way around, and I don't know any girls that go around assuming all guys like them.
Ever hear of the ladder theory? Girls have two ladders, and you can't jump from the friends ladder to the potential bfs ladder! :)
This attitude may have worked for you, but it doesn't work for everyone. There's a difference between having confidence and displaying it. The ability to exude confidence is a personality trait that not everyone has. A person can have confidence but might suck at showing it.
I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume everyone wants you. It just doesn't work like that!
That does sound a little presumptuous to me.
I know exactly what you mean.
Maybe it just seems that way, but I usually find it interesting that the ones I tend to be drawn to usually are interested in me as well.
Dear Mr.Fill-In-The-Blank,
i think you made a good point. i mean, if you think all women like you, then you'd reciprocate the kindness and be more friendly with that person-- making you more attractive. but of course, it can backfire when confidence becomes arrogance.
hmm guess im not as confident as I thought I was haha...its time to master up that confidence inside and think every guys might be interest in me and maybe they will come?...(hm ok maybe not everyone of them LOL)
Confidence is a key factor (positive energy), but cockiness is a huge turnoff (thinking everyone likes you in that way).
I consider myself confident the majority of the time, but I still have my doubts to keep the scale balanced.
Know what I mean?
i like all of this
my friends r exactly the same way lol
Never mind being confident or cocky, but your friend appears to be being flat-out presumptuous (no offense, but just calling it like I see it). Some of the most confident people also have a good grip on reality by recognizing what's actually achievable, and it's because of this realization that they are as good as what they do -- it's because they maximize their strengths and minimize their weaknesses. It's quite possible that you're simply able to attract women wherever you go (though highly doubtful) -- I, like most other guys, don't have that luxury, but we can still hold ourselves to a high standard without believing in something that doesn't truly exist, i.e. being liked by all women equally. And I find that sometimes just holding ourselves to that high standard, without actually being delusional, is good enough as far as women are concerned.
To be honest, being one of my guy friends means the guy is stuck in the "friend zone". In the past, I've always been annoyed when I find out that guys assumed I liked them. Reading your entry somehow appeased that annoyance. The idea that someone around us likes us is a nice confidence boost and bursting that bubble seems... cruel. Perhaps I should consider myself the boost guys need in their confidence (since a ton of my friends have assumed that I liked them at one point or another). Care to help me work on a ego letdown without bursting that confidence?