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Mr. MacchiatoLet's get this one out of the way: can men and women ever just be friends? Rather than rehash old ground, let's go to the original argument:
Harry: [N]o man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.
When I first saw this scene, I thought Harry was way off. Then for a few years there, I realized he was a genius. Now I'm married...and I'm not so sure. I feel like it's so obvious that I'm off the market that I can be more friendly with women without sending the wrong signal. But there are limits: I almost never call any girls on the phone and I never meet up with them alone. I do have a few friends from college that I still meet up with from time to time, but that's more the exception now then the rule.
So, my official answer: men and women can be friends, but there have to be limits. A really close emotionally intimate friendship? I can't say I've had luck with that in the past... as Harry put it, "the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story."
Can men and women ever just be friends?
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Comments (22)
Men and women can be best of friends....if they are both gay. :o)
From my personal experience, all the guys I 'thought' were my friends, best buds, had crushes on me. I didn't realize it at the time. Guys can't be friends with girls unless they do have a slight crush on them. Guys have short attention spans. Girls like conversations. If you listen to two guys talk, they don't really say a whole lot. A guy is only going to carry on a big conversation with a girl if he's hoping for something.
There are people who will claim I am wrong. They need to look deeper into this 'friendship' and they will see the truth. Either someone is gay or someone is lying.
Let me explain what 'crush' means... If the guy thinks there's a possibility of getting 'some'. :o)
I have always been able to have guy friends. Only one of my guy friends ever turned into a boyfriend. I think that there has to be a mutual understanding that you two will never be boyfriend and girlfriend though. If you have that foundation, most likely things will not progress any further than having a friendship.
Yes, they can be friends. But it's rare when you can develop a really good friendship without feelings getting in the way.
I believe men and women can be just friends. It can get weird sometimes, you just have to know how to handle it.
If they are both smart and know what they are getting into I'd say yes they can be good friends.
Sometimes friends is all you ever want to be anyway. I'm too spooked to want anything more these days.
it is possible. I am friends with a lot of guys. I have always made friends with guys easily. And I am as straight as they come. I have a lot of guys that are intersted in nothing but friendship from me.
I have lots of male friends, and that is ALL they are, so yes, I would say they can.
Show me a man who thinks about sex everytime they see a girl, and I'll show you a man who just happens to have an attractive cohort, and is doing great in that friendship than you expect.
well, i think that they can be friends...but sometimes you cant. Depends on the situation completely.
You gotta think about it
age, personalities, the time factor, theres a lot more to consider...
it all depends really, on both individuals...
but in my experiences, if someone has a crush and the other isnt willing... then its seceede the emotion and move on or fail the friendship...
I can be acquaintances with men. I can be just friends with ugly men. Or gay men. Otherwise my own feelings are likely to get in the way. But that's just me.
Yes, they can, but it's very difficult. One or the other will always want more than just friendship. It's very difficult, but they can make it work. One of my best friends is a guy. We had a thing, then my love was unrequitted, now his is, but we're still best friends.
no, it's not possible unless the girl is really really ugly
people that like to hang out everyone in a while, yes. close, inseperable, best friends, no. even if they had no romantic or sexual feelings towards each other, other people would get the wrong message, and being unable to keep their mouth shut say ' are you dating?' then it would be too akward for the two to remain friends
it depends. yes they can just be friends if they have to attraction towards each other without the chance of affection growing with the continued interaction is very likely.
good post
Sounds constricted to me. I am closer friends with all my past lovers than I am anyone. It isn't the sex that ruins such relationships; it enriches them. It is the "I own you" attitude.
I feel like... being friends with a male, they always want something more than just friendship, and then once they realize they can't have such thing. They sort of lose interest.
Most of the comments here that disagree with Harry's wisdom, are neglecting the "that he finds attractive" part. The followup about wanting to "nail" the unattractive ones too was more of a quip that he was saying to be funny.
with that in mind, it has been my EXTENSIVE observation from friends, acqaintances, and myself, that when a guy finds a girl attractive, it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a purely platonic friendship, which is what Harry is talking about.
Harry's not talking about the evolved definition that "friendship" has turned into with the younger generations... ie. "friends with benefits", "comfort friends", "booty calls", etc. And he's not talking about acquaintances, or just random guys you chill with. We're talking FRIENDS that you invest in, because if you don't invest in friends, then they simply aren't one.
ALL friendships need limits, including sexual limits, and it's those limits that are vulnerable to be broken WHEN a guy finds a girl attractive. You are placing these limits on these types of friendship BECAUSE Harry is absolutely correct. If he wasn't, then why the careful attention to limits? Because without them, then Harry's wisdom proves itself true.
If you're one of the people disagreeing with Harry, then either A. The other isn't attracted B. The other is biding their time or C. Your friendship isn't actually platonic.
Bottomline, we're all human. If we didn't have sexual thoughts & desires about people we're attracted to, we wouldn't be normal. And it's those sexual desires, no matter how small, given the right chance, the right moment, or a weak one, that friendship instantly becomes "more than just friends".
Don't worry, you were right the first time. Harry IS a genius, and has saved many relationships because of it; and has explained the doomed ones. If only everyone could believe.
I wanted to write a blog about this same exact scene!
Unattractive, then yes.
Attractive, then no.
Unless it's a professional relationship, unless boundaries are not respected.
I'm still debating this one, but i'm more drawn towards NO they can't be friends... i've actually posted something a while back regarding "Pu$$y Ninjas"... lost a lot of my so called guy friends because feelings got in the way. OhWell!
http://www.xanga.com/ScRiBbLe52/223056954/item.html
enjoy the read if you decide to stop by
well, i believe that if both of them used to have feelings, yes, they can be friends. but frankly, like me. i'm getting attached to one of my closed friends now.
yet it's ok. i believe that everything comes with silver lining :)