By
Mr. MacchiatoLooking back at my dating life, I wouldn't change much. Each relationship changed me, mostly for the better.
But there's one thing I would change about how things went down
after my relationships ended. After each relationship was over, I always made a huge effort to stay friends with my newfound ex. If I could go back in time... I would tell myself one thing:
it's just not that important to stay friends with your ex.When I was young and dating, I put so much importance on maintaining friendships after a breakup. When you break up with someone, it can seem like you've both lost such a huge part of your life... the idea of losing a friendship too seems so awful.
Here are some of the things I once said (back in the day) to someone I was about to date... or just after a breakup:
- "I don't want to risk our friendship by dating"
- "I can't imagine my life without you somewhere in it"
- "You will always be an important part of my life"
With the wisdom of hindsight: in the end, none of this really mattered. I've been married for a few years now, and I am not friends with a single ex. It's not a jealousy thing - my wife doesn't mind if I keep in touch with ex's (and vice versa). But long before I got married, I had already drifted apart from my ex's.
One thing did turn out to be true: each ex did end up being an important part of my life. But that part of my life is in the past... and as we both moved on, we grew apart. And our friendships which seemed such a huge part of our lives at the time ended up fading away... and becoming (mostly) fond memories.
The times I continued friendships with an ex after a breakup... to be honest, it kinda put me in emotional stasis. It was harder to move on when I was still emotionally close to someone I had dated. Maybe phasing from a relationship to a friendship was a necessary part of the healing process? But looking back, I wish I had done more clean breaks.
I am curious: do you believe in staying friends with your ex's? How has that worked out for you?
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Comments (36)
the NEW gf might have a few "choice words".
Depends on the situation...but "staying friends" is not usually vital to any of your future relationships or anything...if you dated a long time, it's nice to have that friendship still there though.
Nice...not necessary.
As much as I would love the idea of being riends with my ex's, its just impossible to happen with me. Mostly, because you just can't fathom why you broke up in the first place, and you often get confused of how someone who was supposed to be your friend and your lover suddenly dropped one and abandoned the other priority. I just can't understand it.
i think it's only natural to try and stay friends with your ex's, you can't have that personal of a relationship and then pretend like it never happened.
Are you shitting me? Most of my exes want me dead, and that shit's mutual. Them bitches need to be put down a rung.
@Drakonskyr - so romantic... your comment brought a tear to my eye.
@john - Hey, I've had my DVD collections stole, my books burned and been knifed. At this point, I'm allowed a bit of bitterness.
I'd bring flowers to the wake, at least! I got a little class.
I always have the same answer for this topic. I could never be friends with any of my exes for a very simple reason:
I can't take anyone seriously anymore after I've seen them naked.
ugh this is hard decision
ive learned its better not 2 =(
sucks though
I don't think it's important to stay friends with exes. Once you get to a certain age, only your significant other and a few close friends matter.
When I was young, I thought staying friends with exes was important too. Now I realize that's not really the case.
I don't really like staying friends with the ex. It's difficult to maintain and unless the years have passed to the point where neither one matters.... eh. It's still hard to keep. *shrug*
The last guy I dated wanted to stay friends but I knew how it would end up. I humoured him and did give a bit of an effort. In the end, I think we were better off as separate acquaintances, saying hi to each other once in a while.
being friends with exes used to be SO important to me because i wanted to show that i was still the same person even though we had broken up and i wanted not to just abandon them and make them feel like sh*t worse than they already did. but now i've learned the same lesson, that it really doesn't make a big impact on your life to stay friends. you had the relationship, it's over, and whoever you end up being with for the rest of your life will be more than enough for you to be happy.
What is worse not being with the ex or being forced to see ex all the time? A steady relationship takes a lot of work and effort and as soon as it is ended, you need space to give the wound time to heal.
What's up with folks that divorce and remarry? Are they idiots that truly deserve each other? Then again I shouldn't talk, when you have kids they always want to try to re-join the marriage...
I am still currently great friends with my ex's, although I always take a good clean break (1 - 2 years) when the relationship ended to move from relationship back to friendship.
Sometimes, they just hang around because you once shared similar interests or similar circles of friends. As long as you take a long enough break to not have any emotional attachment left over, it's easy to be friends again. There was a reason why we dated, and it was because we got along.
Then again, whether they were still my friends or not, probably wouldn't really change anything in my life, so I wouldn't stress the importance of it.
It doesn't matter how important the ex used to be in your life, as for me personally, all tend to end up becoming more of an acquaintance than friends, not to mention being a close one. We had had our fond memories and we learned our lesson through each other, as much as we did not want to realize, we all moved on at some point. One shouldn't keep going back and wonder WHAT IF, let's if you were in the same mindset as of what you are in today, what had already happened would not be a valuable lesson. I'm sure some paid enough effort to stay friends with their ex's, though it's usually one-sided.
I've learned it's better not to.....On a funny note, in the end I've become very close friends with my ex's ex
I'm still friends with my exes because they were my best friends before dating and are still my good friends after dating. Maturity also played a big part in this.
i think for me personally, i felt that it would be such a big loss to not be friends with my ex. for 3, almost 4 years this person had been such a big part of my life and to let that person go completely after all that time felt wrong, like i was losing a part of myself so we chose to remain friends.
but these days when i talk to him, i realise that he's not the same person he used to be when we used to be together and that he's not part of me anymore and maybe it would have been better if we didn't remain friends afterall. oh well
i've never had a bad breakup before, and for the most part, my breakups have been pretty mutual. i try to maintain a good relationship with girls i've dated because i feel like if i liked them enough to want to date them in the first place, there's really no practical reason why i should want them out of my life once we stop dating.
anyway, that's the theoretical element of things; on a more emotional level, i've found it harder to put theory into practice. it's especially hard when i felt that i liked the girl more than she liked me while we were dating, because i feel that part of me still can't help but wonder what things could have been like if they worked out. i'd be curious to hear any suggestions you have to offer in order to get past this point, but it's because i find it hard to get over those types of hypotheticals that sometimes it's better for me to keep my distance than to try to stay close to a girl i'd dated in the past.
interesting to read all the comemnts!
Maturity definitely plays a huge part in maintaining a friendship after breaking up, but sometimes it becomes inconvenient and/or emotional, as you said.
In my case, I'm only friends with one of them, and we don't even talk all that much, just occasionally.
I wouldn't really know from experience that much. So...theoretically, maybe.
hey, I live with my ex hubby, talk about staying friends with the ex's!!!!
i totally agree. its not worth being friends with ex's. maybe its because i've only dated losers, but why dwell on the past and the emotional stress if you can move forward with happiness?
Yes and no. I think it depends on the relationship you had and how close the two of you were friendship wise while you were still a couple. For my ex of 5 years and I--we share too much history to not be friends. We've known each other for 10+ years, so it's just too difficult to just totally turn our backs on one another. However, it has made it a hella lot more difficult to move then if we'd parted our ways and called it a day.